articles

In today's rapidly changing world, where families are often separated by geography and busy schedules, maintaining strong family connections has become both more challenging and more important than ever. Research suggests that sustained family cohesion across generations is not simply a matter of chance but rather the product of intentional communication and shared decision-making processes. This article explores how effective communication serves as the foundation for intergenerational family resilience and continuity.

The Concerning Data on Family Disconnection

Recent studies paint a sobering picture of family fragmentation over time. According to research from the Williams Group, approximately 70% of wealthy families lose their cohesion by the second generation, and 90% by the third generation, and is often colloquially referred to by the saying “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves” (https://www.thewilliamsgroup.org/) More telling is that research conducted by GenlogCo. Inc found 60% of families that failed to maintain connections over multiple generations attributed this breakdown specifically to a lack of experience and trust in making group decisions.

This statistic reveals something profound: family dissolution isn't primarily about financial disputes or personality conflicts, but rather about communication failures that erode trust and prevent collaborative problem-solving.

The High Cost of "Later"

One of the most poignant regrets expressed by family members after losing a loved one is the conversations they never had. Many report thinking there would "always be a later date" to discuss important matters—values, wishes, life lessons, or even practical considerations like end-of-life care preferences or estate planning.

Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush from Emory University found in their research that children who knew more about their family history—indicating regular family communication and storytelling—showed higher levels of emotional well-being and resilience. Their "Do You Know?" scale became one of the best predictors of children's emotional health and happiness.

A recent podcast interview with Kasia Flannagan, Kasia recalls a poignant story of a client who gained strength to weather an extremely emotional loss of a child, knowing her great grandmother had to travel a similar journey.   

Yet these vital conversations are often perpetually postponed.  According to a 2018 survey by The Conversation Project, while 92% of Americans say it's important to discuss end-of-life care with their loved ones, only 32% have actually had such conversations.

Fortunately, a growing awareness of the profound value in knowing our heritage is emerging across societies where this understanding was previously overlooked. Many cultures have long embedded this wisdom in their traditions and language. The Māori proverb "Kia whakatōmuri te haere whakamua" beautifully captures this sentiment, translating to "I walk backwards into the future with my eyes fixed on my past." Similarly, the Akan people of Ghana express this through the concept of "Sankofa," meaning "it is not taboo to go back and fetch what you have forgotten"—a powerful affirmation that understanding our roots is essential for creating a meaningful future. These enduring cultural philosophies remind us that connecting with our heritage isn't merely a contemporary trend, but a timeless pathway to deeper wisdom and identity.

Building Communication Infrastructure

Successful multi-generational families treat communication as critical infrastructure rather than an occasional activity. The Institute for Family Business found that families that maintain cohesion across generations typically implement specific communication practices:

1. Regular family meetings: These are not just holiday gatherings but structured opportunities to discuss family matters, make decisions, and transfer values.
2. Documented family governance: Written guidelines about how decisions are made and conflicts resolved provide clarity and continuity.
3. Shared family narratives: Stories that communicate family identity, values, and history help younger generations understand their place in the larger family context.
4. Intentional mentoring relationships: Cross-generational mentoring facilitates the transfer of wisdom and builds trust between family members of different ages.

Download the Strengthening Family Communication Guide from Family Businesses UK here.

Case Studies: Communication Legacies of Notable Families

The Rockefeller Family Legacy

The Rockefeller family stands as one of the most successful examples of sustained family cohesion across multiple generations. Despite the potential for conflict that comes with vast wealth, the family has maintained both financial success and strong relationships into their seventh generation.

David Rockefeller Sr., before his passing in 2017, attributed this longevity to the family's communication infrastructure. Beginning in the 1930s, the Rockefellers instituted regular family meetings and created structures  dedicated not just to financial management but to maintaining family unity. They developed a formal family constitution and governance structure that clarified decision-making processes.  Thus emphasising the importance of both family intergenerational planning spheres highlighted by the  Purposeful Planning Institute, Wealth creation/ stewardship and the Cultivation of family capital -the people:

Perhaps most notably, the Rockefeller family established what they called "Family Forums" where younger generations could voice concerns and participate in decisions about philanthropic priorities. This deliberate inclusion of multiple generations in communication processes has allowed the Rockefeller family to adapt their shared mission while maintaining core values.

The Obama Family Approach

While the intergenerational story of the Obama family is still being written, their approach to family communication offers valuable insights. Former President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama have frequently discussed their intentional communication practices, particularly their tradition of family dinners.

In her memoir "Becoming," Michelle Obama described these daily gatherings as sacred time for connecting despite hectic schedules—even while living in the White House. The Obamas' "roses and thorns" dinner ritual, where each family member shares a highlight and challenge from their day, created a regular structure for meaningful communication.

Barack Obama has spoken about how his absence of a relationship with his own father motivated him to create explicit communication channels with his daughters. This demonstrates how awareness of communication gaps in one generation can inspire intentional practices in the next.

The Buffett Family's Communication Style

Warren Buffett, despite his immense wealth, has prioritized values-based communication with his children rather than focusing on financial inheritance. His approach demonstrates that effective family communication isn't just about discussing money but about conveying deeper principles.

In interviews, Buffett's children have described how their father used letters as a communication tool to convey his thoughts on important life decisions and values. These written communications became treasured resources that family members could revisit and reflect upon.

Susan Buffett, Warren's late wife, established family foundation boards where children were included in philanthropic decisions—creating structured opportunities for cross-generational communication about values and priorities. This approach has helped the Buffett children develop their own identities while maintaining strong family connections.

Initiating Difficult Conversations: Practical Guidance

Despite understanding the importance of communication, many families struggle with how to initiate challenging conversations. Research and experience suggest several approaches that can help families overcome this hurdle:

Create the Right Context

The setting matters significantly when initiating difficult conversations. Dr. Kathy Kortes-Miller, author of "Talking About Death Won't Kill You," recommends choosing a private, comfortable environment with minimal distractions. For sensitive topics, a neutral location—neither person's "territory"—can help balance power dynamics.

Timing is equally important. Initiating important conversations during times of crisis typically leads to reactive rather than thoughtful responses. Instead, broach challenging topics during periods of relative calm, allowing family members emotional space to process and respond.

Frame the Conversation Around Care

The way a difficult conversation is framed significantly impacts how it's received. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of "The Dance of Connection," suggests beginning with statements that emphasize care and connection rather than criticism or demand.

For example, instead of saying, "We need to talk about what's going to happen with the house," try, "I care about making sure we honour your wishes and understand what matters most to you."

Research from the Harvard Negotiation Project shows that conversations framed around shared interests rather than opposing positions create more psychological safety for vulnerable discussions.

Use "I" Statements and Specific Observations

When approaching challenging conversations with family members, using "I" statements can significantly reduce defensiveness and create space for productive dialogue. Instead of saying "You always avoid important topics," try "I feel concerned when certain subjects don't get discussed because they matter to me." This approach focuses on your personal experience rather than placing blame. Pair these statements with specific observations like "I noticed we changed the subject when finances came up last week" rather than generalizations. This technique works effectively for discussions about relationship boundaries, parenting differences, lifestyle choices, or family traditions. By owning your feelings and observations without judgment, you create a foundation of respect that invites others to share their perspectives more openly.

Communication expert Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication model offers practical guidance for initiating difficult conversations. The approach suggests using "I" statements paired with specific observations rather than evaluations.

For instance, “I feel concerned when certain subjects don't get discussed because they matter to me." This approach focuses on your personal experience rather than placing blame. Pair these statements with specific observations like "I noticed we changed the subject when finances came up last week" rather than generalizations.

Family therapist Virginia Satir's research demonstrates that this approach helps maintain connection even during challenging conversations because it separates observations from judgments, with the technique working effectively for discussions about relationship boundaries, parenting differences, lifestyle choices, or family traditions. By owning your feelings and observations without judgment, you create a foundation of respect that invites others to share their perspectives more openly.

Start With Questions Rather Than Statements

Beginning difficult conversations with genuine, open-ended questions can reduce defensiveness and create space for authentic exchange. Family communication expert Dr. John Gottman recommends questions like:

"What matters most to you when we're making important family decisions?"
"Which aspects of our relationship would you like to strengthen?"
"What would a satisfying work-life balance look like for you?"

Such questions invite reflection rather than reaction and demonstrate respect for the other person's perspective.

Acknowledge Discomfort Directly

Paradoxically, naming the discomfort surrounding a difficult topic can make it easier to discuss. Family systems researcher Dr. Monica McGoldrick found that explicitly acknowledging the challenge of certain conversations can reduce tension.

A simple statement like, "I find this hard to talk about too, but I think it's important for our family" validates shared feelings while emphasizing the value of proceeding despite discomfort.

Technology: Bridge or Barrier?

Today's families have unprecedented technological tools to stay connected across distances. Video calls, family chat groups, and photo-sharing platforms can facilitate regular communication despite geographic separation. A 2022 AARP survey found that in excess of 65% of adults over 50 use technology to stay connected with family members.

However, technology can become a barrier when it replaces deeper forms of connection. Research by Sherry Turkle at MIT suggests that while digital communication helps maintain contact, it often lacks the depth needed to build true understanding and empathy.

Successful multi-generational families tend to use technology strategically—as a supplement to, rather than replacement for, in-person gatherings and meaningful conversations.

Practical Strategies for Strengthening Family Communication

For families seeking to build communication practices that will sustain relationships across generations, research suggests several practical approaches:

Create regular opportunities for gathering: Whether virtual or in-person, establishing rhythms of connection provides a foundation for communication. The Family Business Consulting Group recommends quarterly family meetings as a minimum for maintaining cohesion.

Develop communication skills collectively: Family communication isn't just about talking but also about listening. Programs like the Family Communication Project have shown that even brief training in active listening can significantly improve family dynamics.

Document important stories and wishes: Recording family histories, values discussions, and important life lessons creates resources future generations can access even when direct communication is no longer possible.

Build decision-making muscles gradually: Research by Jay Hughes, author of "Family Wealth," suggests that practicing collaborative decision-making on smaller matters builds the capacity for handling more significant decisions later.

The Intergenerational Dividend

When families invest in communication infrastructure, they create what might be called an "intergenerational dividend"—benefits that accrue and compound over time. These include:

• Transfer of wisdom and values that might otherwise be lost
• Greater family resilience during crises
• More effective stewardship of family resources
• Stronger individual identity and psychological well-being
• Reduced conflict during transitions like inheritances or health crises

Research by the Williams Group Family Wealth Consultancy, including a landmark 20-year study by Roy Williams and Vic Preisser published in "Preparing Heirs," revealed that 70% of wealth transfers fail due to family discord or asset depletion. Strikingly, over 60% of these failures stemmed from breakdowns in communication and trust, not inadequate financial planning. These studies all support the conclusion that clear family communication patterns correlate strongly with successful wealth transfers and preservation of both financial and relationship capital across generations.

Expert Guidance for Your Family's Communication Journey

The communication principles outlined in this article a foundation for strengthening family communication,, yet implementing them during emotionally charged discussions often proves challenging. An independent facilitator brings crucial neutrality to family conversations, creating a structured environment where longstanding dynamics can't derail progress.

This professional presence ensures balanced participation, prevents dominant voices from overwhelming quieter members, and skilfully navigates emotional territories families might naturally avoid. When addressing matters of significant importance a facilitator's objective perspective helps transform potentially divisive discussions into constructive dialogues that strengthen rather than strain family bonds.

Conclusion: A Call for Intentional Communication

The evidence is clear: family continuity across generations doesn't happen by accident. It results from intentional communication practices that build trust, facilitate decision-making, and transfer values.

The choice is stark. We can postpone important conversations, assuming there will always be "more time," or we can recognize that communication is the lifeblood of family cohesion. The families that thrive across generations are those that make communication a priority—not just in times of crisis or transition, but as an ongoing practice that strengthens bonds and builds collective wisdom.

By investing in communication today, families create not just memories but legacies—patterns of connection that can sustain relationships for generations to come.

Our family advisory services specialize in creating customized communication frameworks, facilitating difficult conversations, and establishing the governance structures mentioned throughout this article. With an experienced guide at your side, you can navigate the complexities of intergenerational communication with confidence and create lasting family cohesion. Visit our website to learn more about how our team of family communication experts can help your family build a legacy of meaningful connection that endures for generations.

Appendix: Communication Exercises for Families

Exercise 1: The Family Narrative Interview

Purpose: To strengthen intergenerational bonds through shared stories and develop a sense of belonging among younger family members.

Process:

1. Designate one family member (ideally from a younger generation) as the interviewer.
2. Select an elder family member to be interviewed about family history, important events, challenges overcome, and values that guided decisions.
3. Record the interview (video is ideal but audio works too).
4. Prepare questions in advance, such as:
   • What was the most difficult challenge our family faced, and how was it overcome?
   • What traditions have been most meaningful in our family?
   • What values do you hope will continue in future generations?
   • What's one story about our family that you think everyone should know?
5. Share the recording with all family members and discuss insights gained.

Research basis: This exercise is based on Dr. Marshall Duke's research at Emory University, which found that children who know their family's history show greater emotional resilience and stronger identity formation.

Exercise 2: Values Mapping Process

Purpose: To make implicit family values explicit and create a framework for decision-making across generations.

Process:

1. Each family member independently lists 5-7 values they believe are central to the family's identity (examples: education, generosity, independence, loyalty).
2. Gather as a group and have each person share their list, explaining why they selected each value.
3. Collectively identify overlapping values and discuss any surprising differences.
4. For each core value identified, share specific examples of how that value has been expressed in family actions or decisions.
5. Create a visual "values map" that represents the family's core principles.
6. Discuss how these values might guide future decisions about resources, time, and priorities.

Research basis: This exercise draws on research from the Family Business Consulting Group showing that explicitly articulated values serve as decision-making anchors during times of transition or conflict.

Exercise 3: The Quarterly Question Round

Purpose: To create a structured, safe space for addressing important but potentially difficult topics before they become urgent.

Process:

1. Schedule a regular gathering (quarterly works well) specifically for deeper family conversations.
2. Before each meeting, family members submit anonymous questions or topics they'd like to discuss.
3. At the meeting, questions are drawn randomly and discussed with these ground rules:
   • No interrupting
   • Begin responses with understanding ("I hear you saying...")
   • No judgment of others' feelings or perspectives
   • Focus on understanding rather than problem-solving initially
4. Topics might include: 
   • Health concerns or preferences
   • Hopes for family traditions
   • Financial values or concerns
   • Career or education choices
   • Living arrangements as needs change
5. End by identifying any issues that need follow-up and scheduling specific times to address them.